Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
