mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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