Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
