i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
