I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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