sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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