She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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