his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
