just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
