my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
tonight lets celebrate not being married
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We need a shit load of segways right now
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
