the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
