Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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