She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
