I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
