y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
