i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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