did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
