and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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