I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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