Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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