i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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