pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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