i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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