I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
