I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize