my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
