I need to stop coming to work sober
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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