whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
