i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
