i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
