My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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