Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
