and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I can't turn off my feet"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
