There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
