A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
handjob tips. give me some.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
