is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
