Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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