He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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