I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
