plz talk dirty to me
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
