sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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