oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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