he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
