I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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