so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
