ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
