Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
But do you think a lot of ppl use facebook as a masturbation supplement to porn?
Let me make clear that I am not a facebook masturbator
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
