It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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