so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
