fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
