u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
