I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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