I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
