You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
