I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
