I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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