There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
