just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
How's work?
Spinning.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
