you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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