I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize