I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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