I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
