turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize