I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
